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Regrets

I regret things almost everyday but today my self-condemnation is quite overwhelming. Fuck off socmed. Youre killing me inside. Yup. I saw achievements of others. One of them is my old friend. Why old friend? Because we were so close back in foundation studies era, I can call her my ex-bff. Things happened so we are no longer close. I do believe part of them is me. I suck at friendships so I dont have any close friends anymore now. That is one thing that makes me feeling regretful, everyday.  Guess what else Im sucking at?  Everything.. Anyways, in her post, she went to travel overseas for work. I dont envy her. Never once. I am proud of her. She deserves everything that she achieves now since shes been working hard. She’s got brains.  So if theres no jealousy involved? Why am I writing this? Because I feel like shit. If only I could turn back the time then probably I would turn to when I was 18 or maybe 8 or maybe toddler or I wish I just never existed.  I was a slo...
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I wish..

I can just disappear..   So here I am.. again. Feeling down.. again. You know how sh*tty it feels. To be at the lowest point of your life. Currently, I'm at mine. There are so many things that I keep inside. I am furious. I am frustrated. I am disappointed. I am tired. I am sad. But there's literally no one that I can talk to cuz it involves aib. Suppressing all those feelings all alone. I just want to have a good life so that I can be happy. So that I can be a great wife and mother. Ya muqallib al qulubana tsabbit qulubana ala dinik..
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Wishlist Part 2

"Kitorang lagi la, anak kuat nangis. Kitorang kena gi kerja." "Ibu mengandung yang kerja lagi kesian" etc. The dialogues above are ones of the statements I got from people You know I have my own wishlist and it's kinda embarrassing to share it with anyone including my own family because I'm not working. I'd try not to share my concerns either cuz they'll be dismissive because I don't have a job. Define job? Wear a nice dress, go to office/workplace. That's their definition.  To me, taking care of my son, being a housewife n online business are still job. But not to them. 
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Friendlessness Part 2

I won't take Part 1 down since that's how I felt. Whoever found this blog and get the wrong idea from the entry, trust me. Whatever I wrote about wasn't about you 😂 They don't know I have a blog and they don't even have my Twitter. Ala normal la terasa sikit dengan kawan. Tidak lah aku sampai leave group. Tidak lah sampai aku putus kawan. Aku masih rational dan matang at some point ye. I'm writing here since this is only way to express my feelings rather than writing in phone notes. Dan biasalah dah jadi mak ni pastu housewife pulek, laki busy keje, takde sape tanya khabar kau, mana la tak lonely. After bersalin pun agak mood swing mujur tak meroyan je sbb I got too overwhelmed with the new world (Alhamdulillah. Still overwhelmed but loving this journey. Now I understand why mothers want their babies to grow but at the same time want them to stay babies). That's why when it was my special day, I shamelessly got my hopes up, thinking that all my friends who ...
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Entah.

Aku sedih. Tu je nak bagitau. Kbai.
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