Wishlist


  • Buy a carrier
  • Buy a stroller
  • Buy a playmat that I can hang colourful toys
  • Honeymoon to Sabah
That's what I can think of for now. There are many more but more to long-term vision, like:

• Has own income
• Has our own comfy house
• Buy quality products even it's pricey
• Has 1-2 kids
• Travel the world
• Be happy

Based on previous entry, I said about to work or not. I want to work. However, I'm in dilemma. Super dilemma about sending FH to nursery. Yes. I'm worried that he'll become a victim of an abusive person or negligence or even if the nanny is highly recommended, I'm still afraid anything could happen. It's a gamble. But my son is not to be gambled. He's a baby, who needs proper care and love from his mother. 

But people keep pushing me to work without thinking about him. My parents keep telling me to apply this, apply that. It makes me feel suffocated at times and it makes me feel uncomfortable to even go to the living room and watch TV. I'll only go outside of my room if my father is not there (so that I can breastfeed my son calmly) and if they're not around or if my son was abducted by his grandma huhu. 

If they go outside n came home, and I'm watching TV it feels like I'm being caught off guard. It feels like I'm a free loader. It's not that they dislike me being in this house. They love having their children back at home, my mom even asked me to stay. But, that's just how I feel. I'm not working. I don't send them money every month like I did back then. I feel embarassed to stay here for too long. That's why I wish to go back to KL. Plus, I miss my husband. No, actually it doesn't matter I'm in Pahang or KL, I just wish to stay in our own home so that I no longer feel I'm such a burden and a free loader. No judgement. No direct talks about getting a job.

Not only them. My other family members also indirectly tell me to work. I know. I have to work. I want to work. You are lucky to have someone reliable to nurse your child. But me? I'm not sure if I can find any trusted nanny to nurse my son. Plus, the baby found in freezer case was exactly in Gombak. You probably think I'm giving an excuse. No. This is not an excuse. I want to work. I also want to have my own money. I want to send my parents money monthly. I want to buy things I desire. I want to eat anything I crave. I want to have vacation with husband n son. I want to do things that people who have job do. I want to do, get, anything without feeling I don't deserve it. Without feeling my concerns about my child or basically anything about mylife being invalidated. Because? I have a job. So, I deserve to travel. To rest. To eat. If I don't have job, I feel like I don't deserve all these things. I'm embarrassed to reveal my wants to any of them, because I'm afraid they'd think, go find a job lah then only you can have that you have this.

Yes. I'll get a job. Sure. But my son? Are you going to take care of him? When I talk about the cases, you pretend that you didn't hear it. Not only about the case, it's also costly. Meaning that I'm working so that I can pay off the nursery only. Duit habis situ. But I know. That's how everybody does, right? It's a shitty country with shitty politicians. Min salary for degree holders baru berapa. I know I have to work. I have brains. I can think. I think everyday. 

I discuss this issue with my husband. My husband is a good husband. Dia tak kisah aku nak kerja atau tak. Tapi kalau boleh, dia nak aku duduk rumah, jaga FH. Pastu aku cakap lah, semorang paksa saya kerja. Kalau saya kerja mesti semorang puas hati kan? Pastu husband aku cakap "takyah kisah la mulut diorang, FH cane? Siapa nak jaga dia" then, aku gurau suruh dia yg jaga FH n jual burger. Lol. It's not really a joke tapi a suggestion. Tapi he's working hard now to pay off some stuff. So I understand he doesn't like any other options. Suami aku suggest jadi admin utk jual sambal hitam mak aku. Aku cam ok je dgn idea tu. Kalau shopee aku famous nanti, takyah keje pun takpe. Boleh WFH n jaga FH.

Then aku kata bukan tu je. Sbnrnya mak ayah asyik suruh saya kerja. Yela anak diorang ni ada degree tapi tak keje, malu la. Bazir je duit diorang hantar sy ke menara gading. Suami aku cakap "ikut b la". Aku tau dia tak kisah kalau aku nak keje. Tapi dia kata, dia lagi suka bila dia balik keje, aku ada kat rumah dgn anak kitorang. Rumah terjaga. FH terjaga. Tenang. Keadaan tak serabut. I like that idea as well. Jiwa aku yang serabut sekarang. Tengok life orang. Aku down. Dengar cakap orang. Cari la kerja. Apply la ni. Apply la tu. It's suffocating. It's endless. 

Tapi tu lah. Aku kena kerja jugak. Aku ckp kat dia. Kalau lah anything happen (nauzubillahiminzalik), dia takde, aku takde keje cane. Dia kata, b cari la kerja lepas tu. Aku tny dia ada ke company nak terima org yg ada long gap kat resume dia. Dia cakap ada je. Aku pun hmm. Ntah lah. Sekarang tengah banyak vacancy. Tapi aku dah terlepas dah. Ada yg kat KL Sentral, ada yg SPA. Yg KL Sentral tu dah tutup. Yg SPA tu aku nak jawab esok. Aku nak apply yg SPA sbb aku taktau aku akan dicampakkan ke mana so I don't have to think about finding nanny yet. Hahah apo.

Apa lagi ek nak tulis. Nanti aku tambah la kalau aku teringat.

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